DD: Depending on your POV of “in it”, some would agree it began when I discovered that I could fuck my Dad’s shop vac, in the basement, to orgasm. I was 9 and could not yet ejaculate, but I would have the most intoxicating orgasms I ever had in my life! …many thanks to the Sear’s Craftsman brand of power tools!
Other might say it would have been at 13 when I discovered my brother-in-laws porn stash. He was in a pool at his factory job that traded porn on a monthly basis. One day in the stash was an sm mag with a pic of a woman with mouse traps on her nipples. I was stunned, mesmerized, and lured in. My first thought was…”Where can I find a girlfriend like this!”
But these and many other milestones in my journey were before I was out publicly in the BDSM world.
So to define when I went 24/7 as a Lifetsyle Fetishist, Pro Dominant, Sadist, Erotic Wilderness Guide, Sex-Coach, Educator and public advocate for sexual honesty, authenticity, tolerance, research, healing and empowerment…that would have been in 1998.
MB: Did you find it difficult to establish yourself?
Hardly anyone in the alternative sexual lifestyles of Kink or Fetish Sex can be considered established in the broadest sense. We are obscure overall. U.S culture is slowly…maybe right now, even rapidly accelerating…towards accepting the naturalness of our darkest desires…the normalcy of our Dark Eros.
After centuries of repression, fear, persecution, misinformation and denial, Eros is showing up all around the world in a way that is unprecedented in the history of civilization. The “normal” range of human sexual expression and desire has shifted profoundly. Millions of people across the globe have already crossed the threshold of previous cultural, moral and spiritual norms for acceptable sexual behavior. Millions more stand at the threshold, eagerly peering in.
New tribes are finding each other to participate in, express and explore every range of kinky perversity imaginable, while others seek to connect with a spiritual path of ecstatic consciousness, achieved by channeling their sexual “energy” through the nervous system.
These early-adapters, and there are millions of us currently, are exploring the wilderness of Eros that has been taboo, forbidden, inappropriate and off-limits to the general culture of every age since the rise of “civilization“ and organized religion.
What is happening in this era, is that human sexuality is establishing itself as an integral part of the human personality.
But personally, in regards to being established…after 14 years of being totally out and public, being a Pro Dom and Guide that teaches also about the empowering and healing aspects of our sexual expression, presenting at conferences, teaching workshops, being interviewed or published in a range of alternative media, I am fairly well known, within a more progressive range of the gene pool! The internet and social media have really given me the opportunity to have a broader audience.
MB: Being a part of the BDSM world for quite some time what experiences have you learned about yourself as a person.
Way too much to state here!
But to touch on a few things. I am much more aware of my shadow, and how it operates. This is complex territory, that involves the unconscious archetypal forces that impact our lives daily. It is critical to the understanding of our darkest urges, or the ways we avoid or sabotage our desires. It stems from Jungian psychology. It is very difficult to offer a clear answer here, to what one’s shadow is, but for example…a Dominant might aspire to express the values of the noble King in his relationship with his submissive…the “noble King” is one that blesses, encourages, leads, is just, is accountable, in integrity, honest et al. This may be approached with a conscious intent or developed as a practice. The shadow of the King archetype can range between two parts, the tyrant on one hand, the weakling on the other. Making the claim that I am Dominant in itself will set me on a path where I will be confronted and challenged by all the parts of me that may not be so noble…my selfishness, pettiness, my weakness, my bully. These are my shadow parts. Having awareness of these aspects within me, gives them less “power” to overrule my intention in life.
I am much more aware and in touch with the shadow aspects of all that I aspire to. My intention is to continue to become a more conscious aware man and Dom. This makes able to better stay balanced in both the D/s(relationship) aspect as well as the BDSM aspect (Dark Eros)
It is my experience that these two aspects of D/s and BDSM are paradoxical. One sacred and one profane. Sacred and profane are the yin/yang of D/s and BDSM. They need to be untangled from each other, and allowed separate contexts so that both aspects can express fully and not be diminished or inhibited by the other. This can allow them to flow seamlessly back and forth as is right for the moment, without confusion or emotional harm.
There are two “containers” required, in my judgment, to hold this moral, ethical and spiritual paradox of the sacred (D/s aspect) and profane (Dark Eros/BDSM aspect) of this lifestyle. The two separate, but concentric containers, allow both the sacred and profane energies to co-exist together, in their full polarity, in a way that is honoring, safe, clear, honest, enriching, and authentic for both.
The other important revelation has been the astounding depth of my Sexuality…especially the darker, more taboo aspects, and that there are counterparts in the gene pool that seek this same depth…and want to go deeper…is even more astounding! That is why I call Eros a Wilderness Area. Humans are just beginning to explore what it is.
My business card reads…”Erotic Wilderness Guide” !!
Fetish sexuality, aka Kink, D/s , BDSM, is like a mythic erotic gold mine, buried deep within the psyche. It is a rich treasure chest of vivid sensation, intense emotion, epic tales, alluring personas, taboo sexual ecstasy and empowering psychological depths. But finding expert and compassionate sex advice can still be a challenge for this little understood aspect of our sexual desire.
Was it effective for you to learn the ways of a bottom before becoming dominant?
Not in the way it is generally prescribed in the “leather scene”. There are all kinds of practices and codes that some try to convert into dogma within any culture. I teach finding one’s own way and protocols…not doing something my way or anybody else’s. I believe each person has to find and cultivate their own path…their own mythos…based on what feels authentic and emotionally or spiritually potent for them. One obviously needs a certain education in safe practices, awareness of risks and some practice to gain competency…and communities and individual teachers are readily available to learn through. But each person in my view, needs to define and be encouraged to define their own path and process. Fetish Sexuality or a D/s relationship lifestyle is not a religion. There are no traditions, practices or dogma that has been sanctioned or sanctified by any deity that I know of.
So, no, I did not become a submissive to learn what it means to be a good Dominant by knowing what the submissive is experiencing. If that is the right path for you, then I support you in following that. I would love to launch into more about this, but this is not the forum. I will say that in life, I have had my ass knocked sideways on numerous occasions, suffered epic humiliations, have had to learn surrender, and submit to higher authority…so I am confident I know the psyche of those who serve me. If not, I just check in with them, and ask questions!
How important is it for a person to understand and establish protocol in the BDSM scene? Why do you think that people have trouble establishing protocol or respecting it?
We are greatly unpracticed as a culture in authentic honest communication, transparency, and explicit negotiation processes. These are the keys to successfully and safely, entering into a scene for the evening, or a 24/7 exploration of D/s-BDSM. Know what you want, what your limits are, what you are not sure of, but are ready to try. State these clearly, and ask questions so you are clear what your potential partner is saying are their desires or limits. Consider the pace that is right for you at this stage…for both relationship and BDSM play, even though another part may be so eager to go farther…let yourself ease into things a stage at a time. If something is unclear or fuzzy, go after it until it is clear. Do not proceed if someone you are negotiating with is not going all out to be transparent and answer your questions.
We are irresponsible adolescents as a culture when it comes to speaking honestly about sex. You cannot avoid contact with insincere people, but it is not so hard for an adult to screen people through reasonable inquiry. You will quickly expose fraudulent intentions, and can end contact there. Take responsibility for yourself. There are reams of guidelines online about safety in these regards.
Do you believe that people have come into this lifestyle for all the wrong reasons and what has been the lessons learned as a result of joining a lifestyle where the sole focus was about money.
The focus for me as a Pro Dom has never been about money.
It has been about being authentic, and advocating for the right of everyone to be authentic. And fetish sexuality was my rallying point for this cause, though the scope of what I practice and offer others is about being authentic in all ways.
Clients don’t pay me for sex…they come for Eros. Sex is about friction, Eros is about myth. Myth is a much deeper experience than sex. I help clients uncover and explore their Personal Erotic Myth. It is this myth ( some may have multiple myths) that drives them to orgasm. Dominance/submission, Master/slave, Daddy/daughter, rapist/victim, Rogue/slut. These are the myths that compel people.
And the drive for me personally was this very same myth driven Eros that had come alive in me when I was 5 years old. My journey these last 14 years has been all about liberating and learning about and exploring the depths of my own Eros and Fetish desires, and untangling my authentic desire from all the parts of me that judged, feared or felt guilt or shame about my desires. This was the opposite of the process our cultures use to repress our desires.
Our cultures, religions and families, generally do not offer a safe, compassionate, nonjudgmental place to honor and discuss the full spectrum of our sexual desire. Nor do they respect or encourage any but the narrowest view of acceptable sexual practices.
That’s I why I began working with individuals, couples and groups over 10 years ago. I wanted to create a safe, compassionate, enlightened sanctuary where someone could come to speak, be witnessed, ask questions, heal, express and explore whatever their sexual truth was. I wanted to make sure there was at least one place where people could feel welcomed, honored, encouraged and admired for who they were sexually and in all regards.
This is the leading thrust of work I do with clients. First step is to get the desire untangled from whatever conflicts with the desire internally. Then if it right, and at a pace that is right for the client, explore the many variations of whatever their desire to be dominated may look like.
The key to coming to terms with our sexuality is to learn how to express and experience our desires safely, honorably and consciously, in a way that is in integrity with the agreements we make with ourselves and others, and that encompass our core values. We must also compassionately examine and resolve the unconscious but powerful negative cultural messages we’ve internalized about our sexuality and ourselves. That is why this is both an empowering and healing journey.
Your sexual desire, whatever it looks like, no matter how dark, perverse or taboo, is an authentic and integral part of who you are. It is core to your nature. It is core to your psyche, and ultimately your physical, emotional and spiritual health. It is your truth! Your sexual desires, from sacred to profane, deserve to be honored, encouraged, understood, and safely expressed. And this expression is meant to occur in a safe, conscious, responsible manner with another consenting and consciously engaged adult partner.
Your sexual truth, like any other aspect of who you authentically are, will not damage you nor those you consciously engage with. But holding it back, hiding it, sneaking around with it can have devastating effects.
It is all about bringing what we desire into conscious practices, and learning what is true by shining a light into the dark hidden underworld of our most taboo desires.
What about your personal pleasure?
For my own pleasure – well I enjoy a good date with my submissive partners or playmates!
Whereas when I was younger a 5 hour date was take a woman out for dinner, then a movie, show or club…and then if she was lucky, 15 minutes of sex back at my place before we passed out…or was it if I was lucky?
Now life is much more efficient…she shows up and its 5 hours of mutual ecstasy in the dungeon!