The Cost of our Sexual Dishonesty

Can you imagine how deep the sexual shadow in our culture must run? The three politicians referenced above are just the most recent, in a long unending stream of politicians, religious leaders, entertainers and other celebrities, caught in the act. These are people in the public eye, under intense media and staff scrutiny, whose positions and careers require impeccable character,  who have a lot to lose, who may even preach about morality and family values…yet even with all this at stake, their secret sexual desires could not be reigned in. And they got caught.

Secret shadowy behaviors, sexual  and otherwise, do have a tendency to blow up right in our faces like that.

Now imagine all the rest of the population who have no media hawking them every day, who have a far vaster freedom you might say, to indulge their sexuality in secret shadowy ways. This is the rest of the ice-berg. From the astronomical stats on all manner of extra-curricular porn surfing, and Craig’s list casual hook-up ads and such, there is an enormous amount of sexual expression and exploration going down. And most people are trying to keep it secret…while taking risks, in some cases very high risks, to indulge their sexual desire.

The sad, ruinous, mythic drama of the fall from grace, gets played out over and over. The perp is relentlessly and publicly shamed and ostracized. Their partner is often shattered but stoically loyal…at least publicly, or initially. The perp’s team throws out every spin, subterfuge  and dodge imaginable to forestall getting to the deepest truths lurking on the edges of what is known. Some have the power to keep the damage under control, some do not. And later, of course,  there is often the attempted  redemption, resurrection and comeback saga.

These politicians, religious leaders, sports figures et al, are just a minute reflection of the unconscious, repressed, vilified, shamed, demonized, secret,  and conflicted views about sexuality prevalent throughout the minds of the collective culture.  The issue of our sexual dishonesty is systemic.

The shadow of sexual dishonesty plays out just as relentlessly on our local and personal stages as well. Partners cheating on their partners behind their back, secretly chasing after every perversity imaginable online or in real life, and getting caught and having their lives thrown into tragedy will be an ever increasing eventuality.

All because we have created a culture where sex is debased and pushed down below the surface. It is forbidden. We do not know how to talk with our partners about our sexual desires, be honest about them , share, explore, or revel in them.  We are supposed to be sexy on one hand and never show it or look at it on the other.

What normal is, is never defined. Normal is…you know…normal! But there is a never ending stream of opinion and even law about what is not normal. And if there is not a law there is a harsh social, religious or familial pressure, if not violence, to conform. Witness the history of the gay and lesbian movements.

Our sexuality is tangled up in out-dated, archaic, and irrelevant moral and religious doctrines designed for a cultural mindset  equivalent to the medieval dark ages.  But humanity has reached a point in evolution where sexuality is busting loose from the ultimately flimsy bonds of fear driven moralities about the flesh, and the instinctual dimensions of human behavior.

This fear about sex, and the fear about our partner or anyone else knowing the truth of our sexual desire, on the one hand, and the astronomical rise in sexual interest and desire clearly emerging in the culture on the other, are on a collision course. We can’t be honest about our sexual desire, and we can’t stop our sexual desire from acting out. This is a recipe for psycho-dramatic mayhem at all levels of American culture.

It is clear this cycle of people getting busted for acting out their sexuality is turning faster and faster. This is a great tragedy that is due in good part to married and partnered couples being unable to communicate honestly about their sexual desires. The sexual shadow can only be overcome by an honesty that begins before partnering, ideally , and carries on throughout the relationship in a way that acknowledges and honors the honest desires of each partner.

The sexual shadow of course is cast upon single people as well, but they are outside this archetypal drama of this fall from grace, ruination myth that plays out in the public and domestic realms.

The only redeeming thing I can think about in this disaster, is that with the frequency of people getting busted gaining momentum, eventually everyone will have gotten “outed” for their secret perversities, and the fact of how sexual we are, men and women both will finally be acknowledged.

Moving the culture from where it is now, to a place where sexuality is a normalized part of our lives, talked about, learned about, embraced, and enjoyed is a monumental journey with no near term date of arrival. But I am confident that it is the only path open, that will resolve the tremendous cost of our sexual dishonesty.